Regrets
by Manna325
Summary: Part 2. Imperfections.. She never wanted perfect, she just wanted real.
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing... If I did...Munro Chambers would be in my bed...NOT Canada...Hell his twin would be in there too!**

** "There's a boy here in town, who says he'll love me forever,**

** Who would have thought forever could be severed,**

** By the sharp knife of a short life?"**

** "If I die young" The Perry Band. **

To say she had regrets was an understatement.

Clare sometimes wondered even years later, if Eli had known the exact depth of her feelings. Some days looking back, she was almost certain of it. Especially when she remembered the secret smirks, and the ever present sparkle she'd catch in his green eyes when looking over at her. But other days, the bad days, she questioned how he would have known, when she herself hadn't even realized till too late.

Sometimes she'd cry all day long, because she couldn't remember the Sound of his voice, or the taste of his kiss. Those were the days when she'd give anything to feel his arms around her, pulling her close. To hear his voice whispering "Blue eyes" and to see the darkening of his emerald eyes before closing hers. She would trade anything for the taste of apple and cigarette kisses from a pair of sexy chapped lips.

She wishes she would have told him just how much he'd changed her life. How one Elijah Goldsworthy opened up a world that sixteen year old Clare Edwards never knew existed. He demolished her carefully constructed world and yanked her from the comfort zone. She wishes she could or told him how he'd made her feel real, made her feel alive. From the moment he had ran over her glasses, she lived for every rule he had her breaking, every touch, every kiss, she lived for any moment with him. Clare lived, breathed, and loved Eli.

Sometimes on certain days she would glance down to the skull ring that had been a permanent attachment for the past ten years, and it would pull her back.

Suddenly she's seventeen again and she can almost feel his body above hers. His breath tickling her ear, causing shivers as he whispers " Are you sure?" for the last time. She can feel the sudden sharp pain, and see the look or complete adoration upon Eli's face. She remembers his hands all over her, and the feel of his skin underneath hers, and how complete she felt with him buried inside her. She thinks of afterwards, they'd lain tangled in a mess of sweaty limbs and silky sheets. Cuddled up next to him, she had almost missed him removing her silver band and replacing it with his own. She had been almost asleep when he wrapped his arms tightly around her and whispered "Mine" into the darkened room.

Even though most days, she didn't want to, she remembers the last goodbye. The week leading up to it had been an on and off battle for her. She didn't want to say goodbye and he'd had no choice but to go. Clare remembered the last night, the tangled limbs, and this random blanket underneath them so she wasn't lying on Morty's floor, the moans and whispered words echoing off the hearse's walls. The sight of her silver ring dangling from his neck, as he moved in her at a chaotic, frenzied pace. In the end her laying on him, covered in sweat, desperate to memorize ever little piece of him. Waking up to hard, wet kisses all over her body and the mess they made in the back of his hearse. She could still recall the clothes he'd worn and how she had made him take off and give her his Dead Hand's shirt, the same one she still kept in her top drawer.

It was like watching a homemade movie in her mind. She see's their last kiss, his hands buried in her curls and hers clinging to him for dear life. She watches him walk away , stopping at the door to give her one last smirk and a final I love you, tears brimming in his eyes. An finally like every time she watches the hearse drive away taking the one thing she'd ever loved.

On the really bad days, the ones that happen few and far between, she remembers that day. It had been warm and sunny, unusual for November in Toronto. She recalls how antsy she'd been the whole day and how uneasy she'd felt. The sound of Adam's ringtone that had startled her for some reason. Mostly she tries to forget the desperation in Adam's voice, and the sounds of his sobs, has he tried to tell her Eli was gone.

Clare was glad she remembered barely anything of the days that followed. She remembers parts of the funeral, seeing her ring still around his neck, and dropping next to the casket begging him to open his eyes. She was told later that Adam had to tear her away and carry her out.

An every fucking minute of every day since then she'd asked herself "What if?". What if she had loved him more, begged him and tried harder or done more to make him stay. Maybe then Eli would be alive, and maybe she'd be more then the shell of the eighteen year old girl she once was. Maybe they would have been married now, with a dark curly-haired daughter with emerald green eyes and a baby boy that looked like his daddy with her blue eyes...

But all the what if's and what could have been never changed the outcome. Instead she's alone, living on ten year old memories and grieving over a boy most have forgotten.

So to say Clare Edwards had regrets was an understatement. She has plenty, mostly involving a green eyed, hearse driving black haired boy. But there Os always the one thing she'd never regret, even with all the pain, devastation and years of heart break, Clare would never regret falling in love with Elijah Goldsworthy.


	2. Imperfections

**Ok..So..I ADORE Eli..BUT i think that everyone had this darker side..I also feel like Eli would, Look at the whole Fitz situation and his harshness to Clare when he didn't want to tell her about Julia. I also kinda believe as good has Clare is she wouldn't want perfect...so here's kinda next one-shot for Regrets...Idk how I feel about it..but it's 4 am and I can't sleep, and this has been in my mind.. Also I'm working on a happy Eli/Clare for everyone that asked..Some how they all end up angsty..SORRY! So yea I hope you like it, but if not thats ok too =)**

**Yepp Munro Chambers ( or his twin) are yet to be living in my bed..so I own NOTHING!.**

**"Life ain't always beautiful  
Sometimes it's just plain hard  
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart"**

Her mother likes to claim, that she puts Eli's memory on a pedestal, that she's made him into this perfect figure, and romanticizes their relationship. If only the woman would realize how far from the truth that was. Clare knew, she'd always known, even from day one that Elijah Goldsworthy was has from perfect as you can get. Her mother just didn't realize that it was easier to not remember fights, the break ups, or the cruel words and harsh actions. But just because she didn't like to talk about it, didn't mean she had forgotten, she just didn't like to remember.

She'd learned he wasn't perfect long before they had become an Us. He'd been sixteen and had a chip on his shoulder the size of China, and she'd just wanted him. He's never been good at letting things go, or moving on, whether it was Fitz constantly injuring him and his pride, or Julia's death. She never had to but she always took the brunt of his lashing out, whether it was meant for her or not. From cruel words, and harsh rejection after the first kiss, to having to watch, frozen in fear has Fitz held him at knife point, determined to win, their never ending battle of pride only idiotic boys would play. At fifteen she had definitely gotten her first introduction to just how unperfect the boy she was in love with was.

Sometimes, mostly after the bi-weekly Mother calls (the one's she actually answers) she remembers how hurtful he could be, she remembers the girl with the red shoes, whose name neither of them ever knew. She'd never liked parties; in fact she despised most things about them, the loud music, the crush of people and the never ending alcohol, that only led to bad decisions. Eli had told her she was being immature and childish, and she told him he was a douche, and complete asshole. They argued the whole way there and separated the moment they entered the door. Later she remembers she'd went in search of the dark-haired man, and upon finding him his lips had been attached to the red-shoed girl. After sobering up and chasing her down, and days of apologize and promises of never again, and no more drinking she'd finally forgiven him. She loved him, not some perfect version of him, people made mistakes and she'd forgiven him (it also helped that he begged and groveled endlessly).

She always wondered if the cold streak, and cruel words that was part of him, were present before Julia's death. Or if it all came about has he had tried to cut himself off; she now understands more how much easier that it is now. Then it had been the thing, the only thing Clare Edwards could claim to absolutely hate about him. When he had been angry, truly angry there had been no shouting or throwing of things, just precise, calculated cruel statements. If she tries hard enough, she can see the icy-tinted green eyes and the cruel twist to the smirk she'd always loved. When he was hurt or angry he was like an injured animal, he went after blood and lashed out in the most hurtful ways. She still tears up when she remembers the few, but most hated and hurtful memories. The coldness in the "I hate you" and the complete emptiness in his eyes the one time he'd told her he didn't love her. But she'd known the truth, she'd known him...He wasn't perfect and she'd forgiven.

Most of the days she just ignored it when the phone rang, it was easier. She ignored when her mom ranted on and on about how unperfected he and their relationship was when she actually chose to answer. She just wishes that mother would realize that she knew, she knew every fault, issue and problem that had been Eli. That she understood and always had that their relationship had been closer to dysfunctional then perfect. He hadn't been perfect and neither had she. They flung cruel words and did horrible things to each other in anger; they had been young and stupid often in their love. It was in all of the dysfunction and imperfection that she'd known she'd truly loved him that no matter the horrible words or actions, in the end they'd forgiven. So she just let her ramble on, and sometimes Clare would crack a tiny smile, because she knew perfect was never what she'd wanted for a relationship or from him. She had just wanted real, and that was what he'd given her, real, painful, beautiful, miserable, but completely worth it all Love.

**"Life aint always beautiful**  
**Some days I miss your smile**  
**I get tired of walkin' all these lonely miles**

**And I wish for just one minute**  
**I could see your pretty face**  
**Guess I can dream, but life don't work that way**

**But the struggles makes me stronger**  
**And the changes make me wise**  
**And happiness has its own way of takin' its sweet time**

**No, life ain't always beautiful**  
**But I know I'll be fine**  
**Hey, life ain't always beautiful**  
**But its a beautiful ride**  
**What a beautiful ride "**


End file.
